Loud Ugly Americans
I’ll have a lot to say about my specific honeymoon location soon, but suffice it to say that the resort over-promised and under-delivered on just about everything they sold us. So, let’s put that aside for the time being and concentrate on the first of two human sub-species I encountered during my honeymoon and you are almost guaranteed to encounter on just about any vacation – the “Loud Ugly Americans.” Tomorrow’s post will examine the other species you are bound to encounter while traveling – the “European Chain-Smokers.”
The reputation of the “Loud Ugly American” (hereafter LUA) is not a myth, it is a reality. So prevalent is this reality that in 2006 the U.S. State Department partnered with U.S. transnational companies to combat the phenomenon and even issued a few guidelines for the masses of Americans who seem to be culturally tone deaf. The guidelines are common sense to many Americans but, unfortunately, not for tens of millions of others.
My wife and I had several encounters with a large pack of LUAs outside of their natural habitat (the U.S.A.) during our honeymoon in Punta Cana. The first time was in a Mexican theme restaurant during dinner. The pack consisted of approximately 10 LUA adults and another 6-8 LUA cubs. There were probably 15 LUAs in total, but with the noise level and loud garish clothing it seemed more like 50. The adults sat at one large table and consolidated their litters at another. Amazingly, the noise and obnoxious behavior (besides the occasional whining) came primarily from the adult table. There was even one tense moment when the male LUAs commandeered Sombreros and wandered around the dining room saying “Holaaaaaaaa!” to everyone, assuming they were being festive and not obnoxious or intrusive during other people’s dinners. Being this close to an adult male LUA (in the wild) can be very scary for someone who doesn’t know enough to avoid eye contact and completely forget the English language for a moment. My wife and I are highly-skilled in this area and survived the encounter to blog about it.
The following evening we decided to dine in the Mediterranean themed restaurant. I had hoped that the LUAs would be so thoroughly confused as to what was meant by the term “Mediterranean” that they would avoid it and instead decide to circle their herd around the all-you-can-eat- buffet where there is always an abundance of more appropriate LUA feed (burgers, fries, pizza, etc.) We settled in at a table next to a very nice couple from Montreal, exchanged pleasantries, and started our meal. Within minutes the same LUA pack had entered our territory and set-up camp. They were slightly more subdued than the night before and the only murmurs I heard coming from the “cub table” was that “this place doesn’t have any good food.” They ate anyway but didn’t stay long as I imagine they made at least one more trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet for some “real food” before returning to their caves. A collective sense of relief could be felt as the last LUA exited the restaurant and the door was closed and locked behind him – we had survived again.
If you Google “loud ugly Americans” you’ll retrieve lots of tips and guidelines for ignorant Americans to follow when traveling abroad, including the Top Ten things Americans Tourists Should Not Do by Isabella Snow. It’s both amazing and sad that people need to be told these things. Unfortunately, I could not find similar guidelines or tips for tomorrow’s topic – the “European Chain-Smoker.” So, out of the kindness of my heart and in an effort to foster international understanding and good-will, I’ve created some tips for them. You can see them right here at TheCandidacy tomorrow.
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About the Author: Randall H. Miller is an American educator/blogger. He is also a former U.S. Army officer (82nd Airborne) with a Master of Arts in Diplomacy (focusing on International Terrorism). Use the form on the right to sign up for the "Friday Morning Fix” and other timely updates.
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Daniel | Jul 22, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Morning, Sorry that happened on your honeymoon. Though I have not traveled to all the places you have. My wife and and I have been to plenty of tropical resorts/places out of the US. For us, that is where we like to travel at this time in our lives. We will get to the Colosseum some day soon.
We have had our fair share of encounters LUA’s and sadly have to say, we have probably been them from time to time. But, were we really LUA’s? We only act like that where it is legal and your expected to be an LUA. For example, Squid Row in Cabo San Lucas. When your there, your suppose to sing, dance, be loud, get drunk, where the dumb Hawaiian shirt you bought for Hawaiian shirt day in your office. Its fun and that is why you go there. Its what you signed up for. Its without question, not where you go if you want something quiet and romantic and be on your honeymoon.
When I was reading your story you mentioned “cub LUA’s”? The one thing my wife and I dont do anymore is travel to resorts that allow kids when we are on our annual Mommy and Daddy only vacation. If the resort promised you quiet, relaxing and romantic but allows kids then you got roped into a fantasy land. As a father that travels on vacations 2-3 times a year on vacation with his kids. I can tell you that I do act goofy and silly on a regular basis with them. That’s what vacationing with kids is all about. Now at a dinner setting, at a resort where there are people obviously trying to have a nice quiet dinner. The familia and I have great dinner etiquette and you would not even hear us or notice us. But that’s also why we go to Disney World and not Punta Cana.
I am glad you also touched on the “European Chain Smoker”. Don’t forget about the “The Snobby UK Personality” and the ever so popular “European Speedo guy” . Which is kind of funny when your 6 year old boy asks, “Hey Dad, what’s wrong with that guys swim suit” while pointing at him from 5 feet away standing in line at Typhoon Lagoon in Florida.
In the end, you had a couple of issues on your honeymoon with some morons. I am Sure the rest of it was awesome! But if you talk about that, there would be no “Randall’s Rants” tab….
Daniel
RHM
| Jul 22, 2008 | Reply Vote: 
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@Daniel
There’s nothing wrong with cutting loose and having some fun but these LUAs were off-the-hook obnoxious - to the point that the other patrons just scanned the restaurant in search of eye-contact with others just to validate their own conclusions.
We would simply look and nod at each other, as if to say “Yeah, I see them too.”
RHM
Michael | Jul 23, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Daniel…you would definitely fall into the LUA catagory. Acting silly with the kids? Wearing the loud Hawaiian shirt? Please, stay home and spare the rest of us!
As for the “European Speedo Guy” comment, I think you need to get over your prudish self. I happen to be an ex-American and I always wear a Speedo (I also maintain an athletic build, however).
Why is it that Americans feel a woman can wear two pieces of gauze and call it a swimsuit, but a man must wear knee-length pants right out of the 1920’s? God forbid a man have a “pouch” out front where nature intended! Women have boobs (and nipples), but that’s okay. But somehow the male build is ugly and unseemingly and must be covered up? C’mon! Enough is enough.
It’s a positively absurd double standard that only prudish Americans could bring to market (and be dumb enough to buy). I say long live the tiny bikini AND the Speedo!
Daniel | Jul 23, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Michael,… That’s your opinion. However, I do enjoy acting silly and “Goofy” with my kids in Disney World or places where it is family friendly. Did I mention we even all wear Mickey Mouse ears at Disney? Also, as a parent, no matter where you are from, what your nationality is, religion, etc.. if your acting silly and “Goofy” with your kids at Disney World then you are not obnoxious in anyway in my opinion. Your just having fun with your kids. No matter how loud that Hawaiian shirt is.
Have you ever been to Disney? You know its a place where Mice talk, Genies actually come out of bottles and a little girl with wings called Tinker Bell flies across the park at night. Dude the whole place is over the top, grand, LOUD and obnoxious.
I know, I know, I know. You would just whisper, never smile, correct you kids if they got to loud and never skip with them down the Boardwalk at Disney. Dude, your hella fun! Like watching ice melt. If that makes me an LUA, then I will wear that distinction like a badge of honor.
As for my Speedo comment. I really don’t need to get into why its just wrong in my opinion. And I am sure someone is working on a comment for you as we speak about why it is wrong. Its just not for me personally. Its a life style choice and you have the right to wear if you want. Don’t get all crazy and magnify the situation. Its not that serious bro…
I agree, “…long live the tiny bikini AND the Speedo!”. Tiny bikinis are hot to look at and dudes in speedo’s are fun to make fun of. Don’t worry, we will do it quietly.
Daniel
Michael | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Daniel…
Dude. I mean…DUDE!
Dude.
How old are you?
As for the Speedo issue and your “lifestyle choice”, you sound like a prudish, hyper-religious American teaching your kids the wrong things. So Speedo’s are “wrong”, huh? How is that wrong? Is nature wrong? Is the human body ugly? Are all men on swim teams a bunch of raging perverts or gays all making “wrong” lifestyle choices?
As for magnifying the situation, I completely disagree. You’re the ignorant S.O.B. making an issue out of nature. And you didn’t answer the question.
So it’s fine to see all the bulges and curves of women, but NOT men?!?!? Why the hell not? Why are you so offended by the site of a man’s semi-naked body vs. a woman’s? Why the double standard? I truly don’t understand it. And before you make any disparaging comments, let me just say I’m completely heterosexual (married to a fine woman who agrees that men should be able to wear a Speedo…she only disapproves of the guys who are so fat their gut covers up their Speedo (lol)).
Your point of view is so slanted you must come from another planet.
RHM
| Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote: 
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@Michael
My wife agrees with yours. I’ll have to work on that before we have kids.
PS: I assume you haven’t seen today’s post (7/24/08) which deals almost entirely with the Speedo issue.
RHM
Michael | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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P.S.
I’ve been to Disney World around half a dozen times throughout the years. Most people do not, as in your words, act loud and obnoxious but still manage - somehow - to have a good time. Certainly, there is a limit.
When eating in Cinderella’s Castle, as an example, it is considered fairly fine dining and your children are expected to be held in check…i.e. not running around and getting in the way of servers, screaming, etc. While I’ve seen this happen, it is HIGHLY frowned upon.
Michael | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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RHM…yep, my wife looks at those daily and just now informed me…working on it…
RHM
| Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote: 
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@Michael
Your wife is clearly a very intelligent and well-informed woman if she reads daily.
I bet she’s hot too.
RHM
Michael | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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RHM…She is! What a cutey; I’m SO lucky even after 11 years of marriage
We’re on Cabarete beach daily…but I’m only in Speedo now and then (lol)…can’t exactly go in to have a drink at LAX sporting a pouch. Gots ta rein it in some of the time
Daniel | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Michael,
Glad this is making your skin crawl. Ok, here we go lets review.
7/24 You - “When eating in Cinderella’s Castle, as an example, it is considered fairly fine dining and your children are expected to be held in check…i.e. not running around and getting in the way of servers, screaming, etc.”
7/22 Me - “Now at a dinner setting, at a resort where there are people obviously trying to have a nice quiet dinner. The familia and I have great dinner etiquette and you would not even hear us or notice us”
Reading 100%, Comprehension…not so much.
Also, I think there is a double standard in your home, lets review your quotes :
7/24 - You - “So it’s fine to see all the bulges and curves of women, but NOT men?!?!? Why the hell not? Why are you so offended by the site of a man’s semi-naked body vs. a woman’s? Why the double standard?”
7/24 - You quoting your wife - “married to a fine woman who agrees that men should be able to wear a Speedo…she only disapproves of the guys who are so fat their gut covers up their Speedo ”
You feel all men should be able to wear Speedo’s with out persecution but your wife only feels its acceptable beach attire if the guy is buff. Who is right in this matter? Didn’t you tell me, “So Speedo’s are “wrong”, huh? How is that wrong? Is nature wrong? Is the human body ugly?”, said Michael. Think you better get her all straightened out on this topic. Or does she also, “…sound like a prudish, hyper-religious American teaching your kids the wrong things.”
And to think, I never put Speedo people down or called them names or even disagreed with if they should or not wear Speedo’s. I just said its a funny visual to me and when you see them its just wrong, but in a funny way. It makes me laugh in my head, but I don’t care dude. Where two golf balls taped on your testicals and run around with sparklers in your ass. I will laugh at you in the same way as if you were wearing a Speedo. And because you have a”pouch” I bet your wife secretly doesn’t want you wearing it either!
Oh yeah, RHM doesnt think any dude should wear a Speedo for various reasons. But you didnt hammer him or call him names? Is it because he paid your wife a compliment? Nice…
And you can say, “Gots ta rein it in some of the time”.. “Gots ta”??? And I cant say Dude? Killing me Smalls… Killing me….
One last thing:
Prudish - I wish you knew me.. hahaha
Hyper-Religious - Just my company
American teaching my kids the wrong thing - Tell you what cowboy(and I mean all hat and no cattle), if your schedule is clear I can send you a plane ticket to come on down to Texas. You can strap on that Speedo and and tell me that in person. Terrible thing to say to a father.
p.s. - Shouldnt we have posted all of this to the “Beach Etiquette” post and not the “LAU post”?
D
RHM
| Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote: 
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“Oh yeah, RHM doesnt think any dude should wear a Speedo for various reasons. But you didnt hammer him or call him names? Is it because he paid your wife a compliment? Nice…” - Daniel
@Daniel
Hey, it pays to be charming sometimes.
RHM
Michael | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Daniel…cheap bait ‘n switch tactic…disregard all the truth and pick apart the little pieces you want to draw attention to. Oh, and since I guess we’re counting, I’ll rate you as such - quoting: 95%…spelling and grammar: piss poor.
But I digress.
You can try to make out now like you’re mister “live and let live”, but the fact of the matter is you said:
“As for my Speedo comment. I really don’t need to get into why its just wrong in my opinion. And I am sure someone is working on a comment for you as we speak about why it is wrong. Its just not for me personally. Its a life style choice…”
You never explained the meaning of why it’s “wrong”…which is why I made the religious comment. Anyone saying it’s “wrong” to wear a Speedo and trying to figure out how to tell their child - a son, no less - what’s “wrong” with a man wearing a Speedo clearly seems to indicate you’re ashamed of the human body…which is typically related to religious brainwashing. After reading your newest post, however, it appears you meant “wrong” as in slang, not as in “morally wrong”…though I think you still need to get some perspective.
As for straightening out my wife, that’s a ridiculous comment. The comment you referred to was said in humor. She’s all for people having freedom, she just finds it absurd when some heavier people like to let it all hang out (which would include women wearing bikinis & thongs that probably haven’t fit since the mid-80’s). We keep ourselves healthy and in good shape. It’s just sad that more people don’t.
As for teaching your kids the wrong thing…IF you are teaching your kids that the human body is ugly and should be covered up (or, what’s worse, that only men’s bodies should be covered up, but women’s bodies are for lusting over), THEN you ARE teaching them the wrong thing. I’m not saying YOU are since I don’t even know you, but if the truth hurts, then so be it. So it’s NOT a terrible thing to say to a father (like you’re some type of hero for popping out a crotch nugget or two (as our friend calls kids)) - it’s a wake-up call that such a person could sorely use. If that’s you, then consider yourself woken up.
Re: not jumping down RHM’s throat…he gave reasons for his blog. I was just putting in my two cents in support of the opposite position. You, however, made comments without providing a rationale. That’s the difference. Anyone can have an opinion, but providing a well-reasoned basis for that opinion is what separates the men from the boys.
As for strapping on a Speedo and telling you all of this to your face, Tex, I’m not impressed with your manly bluster. For one thing, I used to live in Austin (where I gladly wore my Speedo to the pool). Secondly, I’m not the kind of guy you want to lip off to - I’d be glad to knock you on your @ss and down a peg or two and it’s unlikely I’d even break a sweat or raise my heart rate doing it (though I am the kind of guy to shake your hand afterward and help you back to your feet).
Just remember, you never know who you’re talking to on the Internet…maybe…just maybe…I’m a bodybuilder and martial arts instructor with more than 25 years experience in half a dozen different arts and numerous dojos to my credit. And maybe I own a lot of guns.
Whether that’s me or not, it’s a reminder that lipping off and underestimating your opponent is NOT the brightest thing in the world to do.
Daniel | Jul 24, 2008 | Reply Vote:
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Michael,
Your funny.
Its simple. Its be stated twice. Its wrong to me because its funny. What more of an answer do you need? People in Speedo’s is funny to me. That’s it. I cant make it more simple that that. Your way over analyzing and taking offense about LUA’s and Speedo’s. I get it, this is your battle cry in life. Its cool man.
—Remember, this was suppose to be funny.. Keep thinking LUA’s and Speedo’s—
As for the whole “lipping off” comment. I never threatened or implied that I was going to harm you in anyway. What I was trying to say is that I know you would never tell me or any other father that they are teaching their kids incorrectly to their face. Your not that kind of a person. Your the person that will only say it in email. Which is why such a comment from you doenst hurt. hahah You kidding me? I did love that quote from you though! That made me laugh…. Classic. Michael, there maybe hope for you yet.
—Remember, this was suppose to be funny.. Keep thinking LUA’s and Speedo’s—
I am to old and to tired to kick anymore ass in my life. But, if your going to stand up to me and tell me I am a bad father… I don’t care if your King Kong… I think that would be the same for any father out there. Even you… wearing a Speedo.
—Remember, this was suppose to be funny.. Keep thinking LUA’s and Speedo’s—
Michael grab your Speedo and wear it wherever. Have fun in life wearing your Speedo. Its cool to wear a Speedo. The world needs more people like you defending the rights of men who enjoy Speedo’s. Good for you! But I am still going to find it wrong in a funny way. Is that ok? Dont answer, cause I dont care about your answer.
—Remember, this was suppose to be funny.. Keep thinking LUA’s and Speedo’s—
One last thing - You ““Gots ta rein it in some of the time”.. and than you again commenting on my spelling and grammer, “spelling and grammar: piss poor” Michael, are you secretely a gangster?
I have to go now. I have to copy and past this entire thread on the “Beach Etiquette” rant
D
P.S. that whole exchange between you and RHM was gayer than a pink Speedo.